We’ve all probably heard of ‘self-love’. It’s a concept that’s become really popular in discussions around mental and emotional health and wellbeing, although at times this popular term can feel hard to define.
Today we’re going to look at exactly what ‘self-love’ means, examine a few different definitions of it, and then look at some practical and simple ways you can bring self-love into your life.
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At its core, we would say that self-love is about nurturing, respecting, and caring for yourself using a range of different practises—some focus on your physical self, others on your mental self, and others on your emotional or sexual self.
To us, self-love can involve things like setting boundaries for yourself, having the kind of sexual experiences you enjoy and desire, moving your body in a way that feels good, eating delicious whole foods, and dressing in a way that feels fun and exciting.
But that’s just our definition, of course. Plenty of people have different views of what self-love means, and all of them are equally valid.
Here are a few of our faves—do any of them resonate with you?
“I think self-love is recognition and appreciation of our inherent value. It’s not something that we earn, it’s something that we recognise. I think it’s just choosing to show up for ourselves. It’s using our voice. It’s acknowledging our needs and trying to fulfil them.” — Sara Kuburic, aka the ‘Millennial Therapist’.
“...self-love is an ongoing, nonlinear practice. I’m never going to reach a point at which self-love simply exists, especially when my personhood is held up against racial, mental, bodily, and desirability standards I will scarcely ever be able to meet. But I no longer feel guilt about what I am not. Instead, I choose to accept and celebrate what I am, however fragile that acceptance might be.” — Imani Barbarin
“In my own life, self-love has too often been the cloak beneath which I have disguised my body image obsession. The self-love narrative tells us to love our scars, prickly legs, freckles, misplaced curves and wonky boobs. It’s tiring. It requires looking at those things and re-writing a history of experiences in which that has not been the case – a history, may I say, that is still reiterated every day in movies, advertising and social media. I like the concept of body neutrality instead – founded on respect, as opposed to love [...] It is essentially the idea that you can exist on this earth without attaching any sort of intimate emotions to your body whatsoever – be they positive or negative. ” — Bridget McArthur.
“It's all self-help, self-love, self-compassion. Self is in front of a lot of things, and that ultimately ends up creating a self focus. That doesn't mean self is not important. But it also comes to self and other. It's I and thou. We don't exist separately from our connections with others.” — Esther Perel
As you can see, self-love means radically different things depending on who you ask. Some people love the concept, others are more critical. We think there’s room for all perspectives on this topic!
If you’re interested in exploring self-love, though, we’ve put together ten tips to help get you started on your journey.
1. Practise self-compassion. Be kind to yourself if you make a mistake, face a setback, or act in a way that you don’t think is ideal. It’s fine and normal to be imperfect—we all are! If you’ve missed another one of your parent’s phone calls, forgotten to submit a report at work, or skipped the gym again this week, give yourself some grace and forgiveness. You’re only human.
2. Set some boundaries. When we set boundaries, we tell people how we like to be treated. It can help maintain our sense of self-respect and help to prevent us from feeling burned out when dealing with others. It can feel awkward or even uncomfortable to set boundaries at first, but setting boundaries can be a great first step on the path to self-love.
3.Practise mindfulness. Like ‘self-love’, ‘mindfulness’ is another word that gets thrown around a lot—to us, it just means being aware of the present moment and (trying!) to stay focused and calm. If you feel yourself getting stressed, rushed, or overwhelmed, take a deep breath and try to remember to just focus on the present.
4. Treat your body well. Everyone’s body is different, and everyone’s body responds differently to different things. We believe in moving your body in a way that feels good, nourishing yourself when eating, getting enough sleep, and staying on-top of health concerns by regularly seeing a GP and getting sexual health check-ups.
5. Notice and avoid negative self-talk. This is easier said than done, because we know everyone can sometimes talk negatively to themselves! Negative self-talk can sound like, “Typical me, skipping Pilates again” or, “Of course I would burn dinner, everyone knows I can’t cook!”. Next time you notice that you’re stuck in a loop of negative self-talk, try to snap yourself out of it. Give yourself a shake (physically, if you have to!) and try to come up with a more positive or even neutral statement like, “I did skip Pilates, but at least I was able to submit that important essay!” or “I only burned dinner because I haven’t practised cooking a lot yet”.
6. Celebrate your achievements. Many of us are brought up being told that we shouldn’t talk about what we’ve achieved because it will come off as bragging or showing off—but we’re going to give you permission to do just that! When you’ve done something you’re proud of, mention it to those who you know will support you, and celebrate it in your own way too.
7. Community care is self care. With a strong focus on the self in our society, we have learnt to isolate ourselves to ‘get better’ or ‘be the best version of ourselves’ before we engage with others. This adds to further isolation and ignores the essence of our humanity: we are social beings, and it’s important to surround ourselves with community. Practice community care as self care, meet up with people you love and trust and surround yourself with people who have your back—and make sure you have theirs, too! Keeping a caring and loving circle of friends will ensure you’re well-placed to love yourself.
8. Invest in yourself. You’re worth spending time and money on, so don’t be afraid to invest in yourself—whether it’s enrolling to study, spending time learning a new skill, or just committing to a weekly ParkRun sesh. Invest some effort into yourself and watch it pay off tenfold.
9. Find a self-love routine. You don’t need to spend any money on this: just get in the habit of doing something that allows you to show yourself some love! Maybe it’s a quiet night in, or a nice walk in the park between classes or on your lunch break. Habits that reaffirm the love you have for yourself are always habits that you want to keep.
