We’re aware that not everyone chooses to use porn, but we’re also conscious that there are lots and lots of us out there who do. And we think many people have found themselves wondering whether or not porn can actually change the way we have sex.
Here at NORMAL, we support people who choose to use ethically-made porn in ways that feel good and healthy for them. And we’re passionate about everything to do with sexuality and intimacy, so today we want to explore a topic that we think is really relevant to our lives and the lives of those around us.
In this article we’re going to explore what porn is, what effect it can have on us when we use it, and what we can do if we use porn and want to make a change.
Basically:
- The right way to use porn is whatever feels best for you
- We encourage you to think ethically about how you consume porn
- Porn can change how we think and feel about sex, but we can change that
When we talk about porn, we’re talking about sexually-explicit videos, movies, animations, games, books, and audio recordings that we use when we want to get off. Although a lot of people use porn, everyone who uses it does so differently—one person might love listening to erotic audiobooks, while another might enjoy some hot and heavy videos.
We’re not here to judge, but we do want to encourage you to consider what ethics means to you with regards to pornography production, and how you can be as ethical as possible in your porn choices. Are the performers and creators of your porn being paid well, treated fairly, and empowered to make their own choices around the content they create? Are they—most importantly of all—of legal age, and consenting to be featured in porn?
All of these issues are really important to us, and we encourage you to think about them as well.
***
So, can watching porn change the way we have sex? Almost certainly, although perhaps not in the way you imagine.
Something that gets discussed a lot with regards to porn is addiction. A 2016 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that self-perceived porn addiction, in which a person perceives themselves to be addicted to porn, is not a formally recognised disorder even though it is something talked about a lot at the moment. A 2019 study in The Journal of Clinical Medicine also acknowledged that pornography addiction is a huge topic, but said it was difficult to pinpoint at what point pornography use became addiction, or at what point it became problematic for an individual.
So, it seems like one of the most obvious ways we think about pornography changing people’s behaviour—through addiction—may not be as cut-and-dry as we initially thought. Everyone’s pornography usage can be different, and what’s normal for one person may be uncomfortable for another.
That having been said, if you’re uncomfortable with how frequently you use porn, or the feelings it brings up for you when using it, we encourage you to speak with a GP or medical professional.
There are still other ways in which porn can change how we approach sex and intimacy, though. Here are some of the changes we’ve been able to think of, and what we can do to remedy them:
- Porn can change how we have sex by not fully depicting consent. In some porn, performers do very little talking and seem willing to jump into any new position or sex act at any moment. This in of itself isn’t a problem—everyone negotiates sex in their own way—but when we see people having really raunchy, explicit sex and not discussing consent at all, it can make us think that that’s how sex is meant to be. And it isn’t. Remember that before any good porn production begins, the performers will sit down and have a discussion about what they’re about to do, offering informed consent to each other about the acts that will take place. This is vital to any sexual experience, whether on-camera or off. Without consent, sex of any kind simply can not happen.
- Porn can change how we have sex by introducing new sex acts, behaviours, and concepts. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing: there’s nothing wrong with seeing something in porn, realising it turns you on, and discussing it with your partner as something you’d like to experiment with. (“I was watching porn today and the couple were using sex toys together. It looked really hot—would you like to try this with me?”) However, it can become an issue when we assume that our partner is going to be into something we’ve seen in porn, just because the people in the porn were into it. Again, consent is key here: always ask your partner before you try any new sexual activity.
- Porn can change how we have sex by only showing sex that looks ‘easy’ or ‘good’. In a lot of porn, performers seem to have endless stamina, contortionist-level flexibility, and the desire to participate in any act at any time. But this isn’t how sex works in the real world. Porn sex is, more often than not, performance sex: it looks exciting on screen, but it’s a performance in the same way that Tom Cruise is giving a performance in an action film. Porn performers take breaks, get tired, and have accidents and slip-ups just like regular people do—they just do it off-camera. Don’t expect your own sexual performance or that of your partner to match what you see in porn.
- Porn can change how we have sex by making it a solo act, rather than an intimate moment between two partners. Again, this isn’t a problem by default: masturbation is normal and healthy, whether you’re using porn while doing it or not. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with solo pleasure, even if you’re in a relationship—we’re all for it! But if you find that you start preferring porn to your partner, or that you’re avoiding intimacy with your partner in favour of porn, it may indicate that you need to think more deeply about how you consume porn.
These are some of the ideas we’ve had about how porn can change the way we have sex. But we want to hear from you—has porn ever changed the way you feel about sex, and if so, did you feel the need to counter those thoughts? How?
