When we conducted our recent Post-Partum Sex Survey, over half of respondents said that they needed more information on how to navigate changes in their desire for sex after having a baby. And honestly, we’re not surprised.
It makes sense that this would be a topic a lot of people are interested in, because while changes in desire post-partum are incredibly common, there’s very little accessible, practical guidance available. Many new parents are given the bare minimum of information and told, “you can have sex after six weeks”, without any meaningful discussion of readiness, desire, or emotional wellbeing. This framing doesn’t account for the fact that some parents aren’t ready at that point or may be emotionally struggling. It also assumes the baby was born vaginally, and views sex through a narrow, heteronormative script where it is defined solely as penetration.
Desire is different for everyone. For some, it drops suddenly; for others, it fluctuates week to week or returns in unexpected ways. Understanding that these variations are normal (but rarely talked about) can be an important first step in navigating them. It can be challenging to adjust to the new reality of being a parent while also realising that your appetite for, and interest in, intimacy and sex is different to what it used to be.
In this guide we’ll look at how your libido might change post-partum and offer specific, practical ways to navigate these changes, both individually and as a couple.
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The months and years after childbirth can be a time of intense change. Not only are new parents adapting to the logistics of having a child in the home, but their bodies, routines, relationships, and sense of self are also shifting, often all at once. Shifting hormones can have an impact on the libido, as can recovery from childbirth. Fatigue can also have a huge impact on our libido, the emotional and mental load of caring for a child at all hours of the day and night can directly reduce desire by leaving very little physical or emotional capacity for intimacy. We can also see our identities shift when we become parents, and the way we perceive our partner can shift and evolve as well, for example, seeing them primarily as a co-parent rather than a sexual partner, at least temporarily.
A really common post-partum scenario is that two parents may have different levels of desire. One parent may have a higher desire than the other, and this can bring up feelings of frustration, shame, and guilt for both partners. These feelings often go unspoken, which can make them more intense and harder to resolve.Ca
It can help a lot to try to reframe your thinking around these changes. They don’t signal a lack of desire for, or interest in your partner—rather they’re a very common and normal response to an enormous life change. Treating desire changes as a relational thing to navigate together, rather than a personal failing, can reduce tension and blame.
What non-birthing partners can do…
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Normalise change. It’s a common assumption that non-birthing parents may have a higher libido than birthing parents, because birthing parents can undergo physical changes during pregnancy and birth. This isn’t always the case. Non-birthing parents can, and do, experience big changes that impact their desire, and it’s not unheard of at all for non-birthing parents to temporarily desire less intimacy than they may want. If your desire for sex is less frequent, sharing that openly can reduce pressure on both of you.
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Ask questions and be curious. Curiosity can solve a lot of relational challenges. Ask your partner questions about how they’re feeling and what they want, but remember to lead with empathy. Questions like, “When will you be ready again?” or, “Why aren’t you in the mood?” are difficult to answer and place responsibility on your partner. On the other hand, questions like, “How are you feeling in your body?” or “What forms of connection feel good for you right now?” are more open-ended and offer your partner a greater chance to express themselves. Also! Be curious about your own emotional responses. If you’re feeling unwanted, ask yourself about that! What does that feel like in your body, what are you noticing, what meaning are you making about that?
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Separate intimacy from sex. It can take a long time for someone who’s given birth to be ready for sex again, especially penetrative sex. Intimacy, on the other hand, may be far easier to approach. Try choosing one or two specific, low-pressure intimacy rituals per week, like sensual tickles, longer full body hugs, taking baths or showers together, having skin-to-skin contact with your partner, and finding time for conversation. These acts can increase intimacy when sex is off the table. Consistency matters more than intensity.
- Leave space for your own feelings. Even after taking these steps, you might find that you still feel frustration, guilt, or similar emotions. That’s normal—what matters is how you address those feelings. Try journaling, speaking with a close friend, seeking out a support group, or talking to a professional. This helps ensure that your partner isn’t carrying the emotional weight of both people’s experiences.
What birthing partners can do…
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Ditch the ‘six week rule’. In the survey, a lot of the new parents who shared that they felt pressured to engage with sex again due to the ‘six week rule’, or the belief that people are ‘ready’ to have sex again six weeks after giving birth. This ‘rule’ is really only a very broad belief, and doesn’t consider things like masturbation, outercourse or other forms of sensual play. It might be that after six weeks it’s physically safer to engage in certain sexual or intimate acts, as this guideline is largely based on allowing time for healing and reducing the risk of infection after childbirth. However, this timeframe only addresses physical recovery, not emotional readiness, comfort, desire, or pleasure. Speak to your doctor to get the clear on when your body is ready, but even if you’ve got the all clear, the only person who can decide if you’re ready for sex (or any form of intimacy) is you.
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Communicate what’s happening, not just what’s missing. It can help both you and your partner to discuss how you’re feeling at this time. Don’t think of it as owing anyone an explanation for why you’re not having sex ‘yet’, but helping your partner to understand how you’re feeling and creating a more open and honest relationship in the process. You might find it useful to share specifics, such as: what feels uncomfortable, what feels neutral, and what feels supportive right now.
- Redefine sex together. This is important for all couples, and it’s really important to do this multiple times throughout your relationship (sex is always changing, because we are always changing!). A lot of things will change when a new baby arrives, so why not make intimacy one of them? Alongside your partner, think about what intimacy means to you and what you want an intimate relationship to look like going forward. Sex can be something you prioritise, but you can also put an emphasis on emotional intimacy, teamwork, and support. Revisiting this conversation every few months can help intimacy evolve as your body and life change.
We really want both partners to remember that no matter what, there’s no ‘normal’ when it comes to how much sex you want, how often you want it, or how soon after birth you begin having it again. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from our Post-Partum Sex Survey, it’s that although many couples have similar experiences, they all go through them in a unique way.
There’s no ‘right’ way to approach intimacy post-partum, there’s only the right way for you.
