Before having a baby, a lot of couples develop routines around intimacy, sex, and pleasure. Whether they’re planned or simply develop organically over time, these routines can become really important parts of life.
After the arrival of a baby, though, those patterns can change immediately. Your sleep schedule can be interrupted, you may find yourself eating differently, you may be dealing with complex feelings and emotions, and your mental health may be impacted by all of these things. It’s no wonder, then, that intimacy and pleasure can get lost in the post-partum period.
This article focuses on how you can talk about intimacy and pleasure post-partum, and how you and your partner can work together to define what you want intimacy and pleasure to look like.
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Acknowledge that post-partum, a lot of things will change
A child can be the catalyst for an enormous amount of change in your life. A lot of things that felt comfortable and reliable before the baby arrived might undergo huge shifts, and this can feel really disorienting. You may also both understand or logically know that your sex life has changed, but there’s real value in saying that out loud. Acknowledging it creates a shared language and helps you get on the same page about this new phase of your relationship. Talking about the change makes space to recognise that things can still be great, even if they’re not exactly as they used to be.
It may also help to join a parents’ group, online or in person, or be the friend who brings up the conversation about sex and intimacy. So many parents will be thinking about it, and they’re desperate to have the space to discuss it!
Try not to get stuck in comparisons
It might feel tempting to look at your relationship now and compare it to how it used to be, or how you think it should be. But getting too caught up in these expectations can be really harmful, because you’re getting attached to an idealised version of yourself, your partner, and your relationship rather than engaging with the actual, real relationship you’re in now. If you’d like things to look different, try to reframe your thinking to focus on what you want and what’s possible, rather than what used to be. Things like, “I miss the sense of closeness I feel when we have sex, and I’d like to feel that close again” can feel a lot more compassionate and welcoming than, “We always used to have sex three times a week, I’m annoyed that we’re not anymore.”
Keep the conversation going
If you want to talk to your partner about intimacy, it can be tempting to think that you need to both set aside the time to sit down together and have a ‘big’, serious conversation. While this might be right for some people, it definitely doesn’t have to be the case for everyone! Life post-partum rarely offers the opportunity for extensive conversations about anything, so try to get in the habit of regularly sharing your honest thoughts and feelings, rather than saving it all up to share at once. These ongoing conversations help normalise changes in intimacy, make sex feel like less of a “big deal,” and integrate it into everyday life rather than framing it as a problem to be fixed. Checking in with each other regularly can go a long way to building a renewed sense of intimacy and trust between you and your partner.
Ask your partner what they need…
…and share what you need, too. As we know, what intimacy looks like will change post-partum, but both you and your partner will still need intimacy and pleasure—it might just look a little different. Ask your partner how you can support them and what they need, and have a think about how they can support you, too. It’s really important that you both share your needs and desires. It’s never one person’s role to have all the answers or to carry the responsibility for change alone. Pay attention to any imbalance, such as one partner consistently asking, “What do you want?”. While there is a really generous intention here, it may add to a sense of pressure if it’s feeling one-sided.
You might try sharing:
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“I want to start kissing each other again”
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“Can I jump in the shower and wash your hair”
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“I want you to kiss my neck on the next ad break…”
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"I want to share just 30 seconds each day for a sexual moment"
You might try asking:
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“What would feel good/supportive/helpful for you right now?”
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"How do you want to be sensual at the moment?"
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"If we had one minute to touch, what would feel good?"
Their answers may surprise you, and your needs and wants may line up more than you expect.
Ask for help when you need it
In the time before and after the arrival of the baby, new parents might get a lot of offers of support from friends and family. Now’s the time to take some of them up! If people have offered, they genuinely want to help and often get a lot of joy around being with you and your baby. If you have extended family asking to babysit, friends eager to drop off a home-cooked meal, or even just neighbours willing to bring the bins in for you, accept the offers that feel comfortable for you. Allowing people to take something off your plate—even something small—will allow you to direct some energy towards yourself.
Create new routines
We know that life post-partum won’t be the same as it was—so make the most of it. Find new ways to show affection and be intimate with your partner, whether planned (like a weekly date night) or incidental (like checking in with each other at the end of the day). Talking openly with your partner about what feels possible, enjoyable, and desirable right now will help make sure you’re both on the same page about what you want, and both aware of each other’s needs.
If you want some prompting here, our Sync Set has some great questions you can ask each other to get an idea of your needs and wants. We’ve added in a couple here to get you started, but for the full fifty you can order the set.
- What turns you on?
- How does it feel asking for what you want?
- What's your flirting style?
- When do you feel most sexually confident?
- What does a fulfilling sex life mean to you?
