For many, the post-partum period is a time of joy and excitement—but at the same time, it can also be a time of adjustment, nerves, physical pain, and profound changes.
After childbirth, intimacy in a relationship can look and feel really different. Not only do our bodies change, but our relationships with our partners can shift and the way we perceive the world can be altered as well. We’re dealing with sleepless nights, new responsibilities, fluctuating hormones, and healing bodies. Intimacy post-partum is never the same as it was before, which is normal and to be expected, but we don’t talk about it enough.
We’re going to look at a few aspects of your life that may shift post-partum, and discuss what kind of changes you can expect, and how you might navigate them.
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Among the first changes you might notice post-partum are those in your body. Pregnancy and birth places significant demands on the body, and it can take a long time to feel completely comfortable in your physical self again after giving birth.
Some common post-partum changes you may notice are vaginal and vulval soreness, perianal tears, ongoing bleeding, abdominal tenderness or soreness, scarring, breast tenderness, vaginal dryness, and weakness in the pelvic floor muscles. The look of your body may change as well: you might notice new stretchmarks, softer breasts, and reduced elasticity in the skin.
Although many doctors say that you ‘can’ resume having sex six weeks after birth, the ‘six weeks rule’ is more of a general guideline for penetrative sex. It indicates when it may generally be medically safe for a person to have sex again, not when they’ll want to have sex or feel like having sex.
The results of our Post-Partum Sex Survey found that many parents wait longer than six weeks to have sex. Some wait months. Ultimately, there’s no ‘right’ time to wait before exploring sex, especially penetrative sex, post-partum. Although your doctor can offer their advice, you should wait until your body feels completely ready and you want to have sex. If and when you do, it’ll be useful to take it slow, spend a lot of time connecting with your bodies, focusing on outercourse, using plenty of lube, having toys handy and experimenting with positions or types of touch that allow the birthing partner to be in control.
During pregnancy and after birth, hormones can fluctuate wildly. This can affect our moods, our emotions, and our way of thinking. It’s also likely that you and your partner may be exhausted and sleep-deprived after welcoming a new baby, and this too can impact your mental health.
You may also find that your relationship with your partner changes and shifts as you navigate parenthood together. It’s not uncommon for new parents to find themselves having little fights or clashes as they grow into their roles; equally, it can be challenging to see someone as a co-parent when you once saw them solely as a partner.
All of this can have the flow-on effect of altering the way you feel about sex, or even just connecting with your partner. At this point, it may help to focus on all of the ways you can be intimate with your partner that don’t involve sex or sexual desire at all, such as physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. Taking a shower or bath with your partner, holding each other, or even just sneaking a nap together can help you feel more connected physically, and checking in with each other about your emotions can help you feel more emotionally connected.
For many couples, rediscovering intimacy post-partum means redefining what intimacy looks like for them. You might find that the things you used to love to do—like date nights at nice restaurants, or long Sunday afternoon make-out seshes—are no longer as easy to accomplish, but you may also discover new things that you enjoy.
Some approaches you might consider are:
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Being patient. As we’ve discussed, the ‘six week rule’ is really only a suggestion. You may find that it takes a lot longer than six weeks for you to feel ready for any kind of sex again, not just physically but also emotionally. The non-birthing partner may also need some time to adjust to the changes that come with childbirth. Notice the expectations in ‘should’ and remember that the only point at which you ‘should’ be having sex again is when you’re both ready and want to.
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Get curious. When you know someone pretty well, it’s easy to assume how they’re feeling. We also bring our own ideas, vulnerabilities or judgements to these assumptions. Try to park what you think they’re feeling, and get curious about what they share with you. Ask them how they feel about sex, be willing to hear your partner’s perspective even when it’s different to yours, and ask open-ended questions if anything’s unclear to you. Try to enter into each conversation seeking to gain an understanding of your partner and their emotions, rather than seeking to place blame or find an immediate solution.
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Share the load, and ask for help when you need it. Even though both parents might find themselves taking on different things around the home and with the baby, it’s important for both parents to share the load and have more or less equal responsibilities. Don’t be afraid to call friends and family for help, either! If you’ve got a mate, godparent, or relative who keeps saying, “Let me know if I can help with anything!”, take it as a sign that they might be willing to do a grocery run for you, come over to help put a load of laundry on, or even just hang out with the baby for a few hours while you nap or shower. This directly impacts our capacity for intimacy, because if we’re strung out, overwhelmed or drowning in the priority list, we will struggle to prioritise intimacy.
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Stay flexible. Intimacy is something that’s always evolving and changing. The way we like to be intimate now might change at any time, so don’t get tied to the idea that you have to be having the same amount and kind of sex post-partum as you were before the baby arrived. The first few times you’re sexual with your partner again, try using moment-to-moment communication (naming sensations, asking for adjustments, and stopping when something doesn’t feel right). It's okay if it feels more rigid or stilted than it previously has, this kind of communication helps create safety. Intimacy post-partum might involve lots of lube, changing positions, slowing down, using toys or supports, and communicating even more than you did before.
- Ask for help if you need it. If you and your partner have the desire to engage with intimacy but are having trouble getting started, it may be worth engaging a sex therapist or seeking out some useful online resources (hint hint!). It’s also vital to remember that both parents can be at risk of post-partum depression. If you feel sad, anxious, or as though you’re ‘not yourself’ often, your doctor or a medical professional can offer help. If you or your partner is having thoughts of harming yourself, your baby, or others, help is available and it’s important to reach out for support immediately to Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 000.
