In Brief:
- We asked almost 800 people about how sex and intimacy changes post-birth in the Normal Post-Partum Sex Survey - and what their top tips are for new parents.
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1 in 2 new parents feel pressured to re-engage with sex and pleasure post-partum, especially by the so-called 'six week rule'
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70% of our community are having less sex than they did before their baby arrived
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But many new parents are experimenting with new and different forms of pleasure, including toys, erotica, and masturbation
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About the survey
The post-baby period can be one full of challenges, joys, and learning experiences, and we’ve been overwhelmed by how openly and honestly our community was willing to be when we asked them about life post-partum.
We asked almost 800 people (794 and counting) to anonymously share their experiences. Most respondents had their most recent birth experience over a year ago. Almost half have one child, 40% have two kids, and around 10% had three or more kids. Here’s what we learned.
Here are the results of our first Post-Partum Sex Survey - and you can still let us know about your experiences and educational wants, plus enjoying $50 off your next order, by completing the 5-minute survey here.
There are a lot of unhelpful beliefs and expectations about when you ‘should’ start having sex again - especially the six-week rule.
A lot of people we spoke to had heard about the ‘six week rule’, or the belief that it is medically safe to have sex again six weeks after giving birth, and therefore you should start having sex again at that point.
One in two parents reported feeling pressure or shame about when to start engaging with pleasure again - showing up as pressure from partners, friends, social media, media, medical practitioners or even themselves to 'get back into it', regardless of whether they feel physically, mentally, emotionally or relationally 'ready'.
For some people, six weeks can be a great time - for example, 42% of respondents said that they resumed having sex between six to twelve weeks post-partum.
But there were some people who did it sooner, though, and some who waited much longer - 10% of respondents haven’t begun having sex again.
Here’s what our community said:
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"I feel like we should be getting back to it as I’m past six weeks, but I just don’t want to right now."
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"I would hear about other Mums getting back into it and I felt so much shame around the fact that I don’t have any desire."
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"I feel like medical practitioners clear you to have sex in a way that feels like you should be having sex. There should be more of a focus on having sex when you feel both emotionally and physically ready."
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“My doctor told me I would have ongoing pain ‘for a long time’ due to the way I was stitched and my tear, but cleared me to have sex at 6 weeks…”
The truth is that there’s no ‘right’ time to begin having sex or engaging with any time of intimacy.
What’s right for you and your partner depends on a whole host of factors, and while it’s important to consider the advice of your doctor and medical professionals, you’re ultimately the expert on your own needs.
Most people have less sex post-partum - but many people also experiment more with new ways of doing and prioritising pleasure.
The arrival of a baby can bring some enormous changes into your life. Your hormones, body, sleeping habits, and relationship with your partner can all be affected post-partum.
Just over two-thirds of respondents said that they are having less sexual activity than they did before their baby arrived - although almost 6% of people said they’re actually having more!
There’s no right or wrong answer to ‘how much’ or ‘how often’, but in terms of the facts, a majority of new parents report having sex somewhere between once a week and once a month, and around one-third saying sex is shorter and feel more like a ‘routine’.
But a significant number of new parents also say they are experimenting with a new normal - focussing on using more toys, more accessories and more non-penetrative sex.
Here’s what our community said:
“I am orgasming quicker! Less than two minutes in, it’s actually annoying!”
“We are definitely freakier since having kids.”
“We prioritise it more, like making an effort to do it rather than relying on spontaneity because time just passes without realising.”
“Sometimes more pleasurable, other times a lot less pleasurable.”
“Once started it’s fine. Just can’t get into it. No desire.”
On this topic, Normal’s in-house sex coach Georgia Grace said:
“When working with new parents, I like to identify their ‘shoulds’ around sex, such as, ‘we should be able to do this… my body should be ready…we should be having sex by now’. A large part of the work is understanding the narratives they have around sex so they can re-write them, because sex will be different post-partum. Our sexual relationships will have many different iterations throughout our lives, and post-partum is a significant shift.“The initial process is focusing on pleasure, connection and intimacy. We focus on removing the pressure, so when the couple feels ready or curious to be sexual with each other again, it can be useful to set an agreement that they aren’t going to have penetrative sex for a set amount of time (such as two weeks, a month, a few months), but instead will focus on small, accessible moments of intimacy. Some things that can work are setting a timer for three mins and kissing each other passionately the whole time, having a sensual shower and washing each other's bodies, giving each other sexy compliments… it’s about making the initial moments accessible. Then when you’re ready or excited to be more sexual, start with outercourse first, like mutual masturbation, using toys, hands, or oral."
"If penetration feels daunting, it may be worth seeing a pelvic physio or sex therapist to support you. The most important thing to remember is that desire and sex is a co-created experience. Both people have responsibility for their own needs but also have the responsibility to create a context that feels safe, fun and free from pressure.”
Many parents use their new normal to experiment with different forms of pleasure like masturbation, erotica and toys.
Over half our community have masturbated in their post-partum period, and a large majority have used sex toys - often describing it as ‘simpler’ and easier’, whether due to feeling touched out, learning about what feels good in their post-birth body and just enjoying a little solo stress relief.
Over half of respondents have also said that they had engaged with erotica, whether it was audio, written, or visual, to reconnect with sexuality, libido and desire.
Most new parents want better education on libido, body image, communication and pleasure tailored to the post-partum experience.
Many of our community members are seeking out new knowledge about how to engage with their bodies, their libidos, and their partners post-partum, for example:
Keep your eyes peeled, because at Normal we hear you - and we’ve got some great new content coming soon on these very topics!
In the meantime, we asked our community what advice they would pass on to new parents, and we got some amazing tips. Here’s some of what we received:
“Slow, gentle, lots of lube, speak out loud your needs and wants. Go at your own pace.”
“We have experimented more and it’s been more fun!”
“Give yourself time, be patient, focus more on the way things feel than the way they look. Our bodies are designed to morph and change. The body functions are far more incredible and important than the way it looks.”
“Don’t panic if your orgasms aren’t what they used to be. Practice self-pleasuring and exploring with toys, and be kind and patient with yourself and your body.”
“Communicate with your partner to let them know where you're at in your body. I found my husband was really anxious about hurting me.”
“See a pelvic floor PT for any physical issues but also remember it will get better with time!”
“Second time around having clear boundaries and expectations around sex i.e. explaining that I want him to wait for me to initiate sex, rather than him initiating and me saying either yes or no”.
“Take your time, communicate, intimacy is more than just sex. But can also be what leads to great sex. Never feel pressured. Get to know your new body, things may have changed. Sometimes for the better.”
“Not being so fixated on how often you’re having sex, finding intimacy in cuddles, touching etc. putting screens down early in the night to allow time for new forms of intimacy (talking, cuddling).”
“Communicate, let go of shame, you’re both experiencing it for the first time together so be open to understanding each other’s experiences and validating that.”
“I listened to some podcasts regarding sex and the postpartum period and found these helpful.”
What next?
You can participate in Post-Partum Sex Survey and let us know what resources you’d like to see, and receive $50 off your next order with us, by clicking here.
You can shop our entire range or our Post-Partum Collection whenever you feel ready again, or if you want some help with getting there with a gentle tool (always ensure to follow medical advice and listen to your body, of course).
And you can check out more of our free guides to sex, pleasure and relationships, like:
