So—you’ve broken up! Whether you’re the one who was broken up with or the one who did the breaking up, you might be feeling heaps of emotions post break-up including sadness, excitement, regret, optimism, and confusion. You might even feel them all at once.
But at this point, there are a few things we recommend doing.
Acknowledge your feelings.
You don’t need to brush yourself off and pretend that nothing is wrong—break-ups are serious business, and they hurt.
Even if the relationship was ‘only short’ or it ‘wasn’t serious’ or you knew deep down that you wouldn’t be together forever, you’re still likely to feel some sadness.
Name it, allow it, and acknowledge that for a little while at least, you’ll be sitting with some form of negative emotions.
Set some boundaries.
Now—right now!—is a great time to set some boundaries like removing your ex from your social media, deleting their location information from your phone, and putting all of their gifts and notes in a big box under the bed that you can sort through at some time in the distant future.
Absolutely no good can come from scrolling through their Insta or checking their Facebook—if you have to set up some kind of reward system to stop yourself from checking up on their socials, do it.
You will heal faster and feel better if they’re not constantly on your mind (and on your phone screen).
If you do have to stay in touch with your ex—if you share children or a pet, or live together—it’s worth deciding in advance what you will and won’t share about yourself now that you’re not in a relationship.
If you’re co-parenting, it might make sense to keep things friendly and stay in touch to some degree, but they don’t need to know that you spent the night after the break-up eating Nutella from the jar and listening to Drivers Licence.
You also do not need to text them three days after the break-up to ask, “How are you doing?”. Take it from us! Just don’t! And if they send you this text—set your boundaries and don’t reply!
Create a break-up toolkit.
As you move through the end of a relationship, you’ll work out that there are some things that take your mind off it and make you feel really good.
For some, it can be music, time with friends and family, hobbies, exercise, and even work. Whatever it is, when you notice that it makes you feel good, make a mental or physical note of it so you can come back to it when you feel down.
Let’s call this your ‘break-up toolkit’—it can be useful to you now and in the future.
Acknowledge those unhealthy coping mechanisms…
…but don’t let yourself get stuck in them.
After a break-up, a lot of people find themselves engaging in things that feel good in the moment but aren’t great long-term, like smoking, using substances, staying up late and sleeping in late, doomscrolling, and even making big changes to their eating habits.
We think it’s important not to feel shame around these things, but to acknowledge that they’re not always beneficial.
If you find yourself doing any of these things for longer than you’re comfortable with, it might be worth talking to your GP or a mental health professional for some extra help and support.
Find your community.
Now is a great time to lean on your friends and family, both for emotional support and practical support.
You’ll probably need your loved ones to talk to, cry with, and to feel supported by—and you also may need to ask a friend or family member to pick up some of your things from your ex’s place, or to let you crash in their spare room for a week or two.
Don’t be afraid to reach out and let your loved ones know how you’re feeling. They’ll want to support you because they love you and care about you, and because they’ve probably been through bad break-ups of their own. They know how it feels, and will want to support you where they can.
Be open to a friendship if it’s what you really want.
To stay friends with an ex, or to not stay friends with an ex?
Every relationship is different, so there’s no hard rule on whether you should or shouldn’t maintain a friendship with an ex after a break-up.
Our take is that if you felt unsafe or disrespected in the relationship, you definitely shouldn’t. If you don’t have much in common or didn’t really enjoy being with your ex that much, it’s also totally fine to close the door on a friendship.
On the other hand, if you share children, a pet, or a huge group of mutual friends and the relationship ended on respectful terms, you may want to keep in touch.
Just make sure that if you do start pursuing a friendship with an ex, it’s because you genuinely like them and want to be in each other’s lives—not because you’re hoping for a romantic reunion someday.
Get back on the dating scene (when you’re ready).
Some people say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. But there is no hard and fast rule on that - no blueprint to follow.
Casual sex can be lots of fun, it may not always meet the emotional and mental needs that you have after a break-up.
We also don’t think we’d recommend getting back on the apps immediately after ending a relationship. Although it can be tempting, we think there can be a benefit in being alone for a little while (just think—the whole bed to yourself!).
Eventually, though, there will come a time when you feel ready to get back out there. We think it’s useful to ask yourself the following questions as you decide if you’re ready for another relationship:
- Am I craving social connections, or am I craving a romantic connection?
- What am I looking for in a relationship right now?
- What are my boundaries - and how do I feel about communicating them with others?
- What parts of my life feel fulfilling right now? (Such as work, friends, family, home life, etc.)
- What have I learnt about myself, others, and dating from my previous relationship?
- Am I over my ex? Why—or why not?
- How does it feel to start dating again?
Relationships are never an exact science, but we hope these tips see you through your current break-up and help set you up for an exciting new future, whether it’s with a partner or solo!
