It’s a situation a lot of us have been in.
You’re in bed, having what you think is an amazing time with your partner, when seemingly out of nowhere they say: “Hey, can we stop? I’m not really enjoying this.”
Of course, it’s a fundamental part of consent that things have to stop at this point—but it can also bring up some strong feelings of disappointment, hurt, and even feeling unwanted.
Today, we’ll talk about why those emotions happen, what you can do about it, and how both you and your partner can move forward.
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At this point, it’s worth reiterating just how important it is to listen to your partner during sex and any kind of intimacy. If they tell you to stop or slow down, they’re withdrawing their consent and you absolutely must listen. Sexual activity with a person who isn’t consenting is sexual assault.
Having said that,, once you have stopped it’s totally normal for things to feel a little bit awkward or uncomfortable. You might feel embarrassed, upset, or even rejected when your partner says no—and that’s totally fine. It’s what you do with those emotions that count.
So let’s look at what to do immediately after things change.
Stop immediately,
Acknowledge your partner’s request. Saying something as simple as ‘thanks for letting me know’ can be effective and reassuring.
Check in with them. Make sure your partner is safe and not hurt.
Check in with yourself. How are you feeling? Disappointed, hurt, awkward? Give yourself a moment to feel your feelings, and don’t be angry with yourself if you’re not feeling the way you think you should feel. Take a deep breath and remember that no matter what, you must act with compassion towards yourself and your partner.
Ask your partner how they’re feeling. Simply asking them, “Are you okay?” can be enough sometimes. If it’s not clear why they’ve asked to stop, you can ask them—but don’t turn it into a confrontation. “What have I done this time?” and “What is it now?” are loaded, and can hurt your partner’s feelings.
Take care of your and your partner’s most immediate needs. If one or both of you needs a quick bathroom break, a blanket, or a sip of water, make sure it’s available. Have a hug if you need! Your actions should be focused on ensuring both of you are comfortable and safe.
Once you’ve both taken a moment to decompress, you can…
Thank your partner for voicing their needs. It can be intimidating, sometimes, to tell someone that you need to stop or take a break during intimacy—so if your partner has done this, it means that they trust you enough to feel comfortable speaking up. Saying something like, “I’m glad you felt comfortable saying something” can express the gratitude you feel for your partner’s trust, and remind them that it’s really important to voice a boundary (they may be feeling vulnerable and may be worried about letting you down).
Ask your partner why they wanted to stop. Assuming they haven’t already told you, now can be a good time to ask your partner what made them want to stop. Listen to their answer, and do your best to take in how they’re feeling. If they wanted to stop because of something that you had done—say, you went to move them into a position they don’t enjoy or said something they didn’t like—try your best to take in what your partner is saying without taking it personally. After all, they’re sharing this with you because they trust you and want to be honest with you!
Apologise, if you need to. If your partner asked to stop because of something you did, take the opportunity to apologise—even if it was an accident. An apology can be as simple as, “Sorry I accidentally pulled your hair!” or, “I got a bit carried away with the dirty talk just now, I apologise for that”.
See if your partner wants to start again, take a break, or stop completely. Sometimes it’s fine to take a quick break for a few minutes and then start again with some foreplay or outercourse to get you both back in the mood. Other times, you might need to leave the idea of sex for the night. Let your partner take the lead and if you both still desire intimacy, you can start again.
Over the next few days, you can…
Talk about what happened. Once you’ve slept on it and thought about it, you might want to discuss what happened with your partner again to see how things can be better going forward. Wait until you have a quiet, private moment with them and ask them how they’re feeling about what happened.
Make some suggestions about how things can change. If you can see specific ways in which things could have been better, tell your partner how you think you could do things differently in the future. “I know you didn’t like it when I called you a slut during sex, because you were craving more intimate/romantic sex. Are there any other names or roles you would like to explore during that kind of sex?” Let your partner tell you how they’d like things to change as well. As they’ve been the one to call ‘stop’, they might also have some ideas on how things should be different next time. Hear them out, and be prepared to incorporate what they say provided that you’re comfortable with it.
As a team, agree on how things will be different going forward. At the end of the day, it’s relatively normal for awkward moments to occur during sex and it’s completely fine for one or both partners to say, ‘Stop!’. If you’re both committed to working things out, make a plan together for how things will be different next time, and stick to it (“Right, so if you say ‘Red!’ then I’ll stop spanking you—and I’ll be sure to check in more often about whether or not I’m going too hard”.)
