Here at NORMAL, we’re big advocates of exploring your sexual fantasies.
Whether it’s BDSM, role play, sharing toys, or something totally different, we think it’s great to discover what you enjoy—and then to go out and do it!
But we also know that sometimes exploring a new fantasy can be tricky, intimidating, and even confusing. Sometimes when something piques your interest, you can find yourself asking, “Am I really into that?”. And that’s what this article is all about!
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We’ve spoken a lot before about how to tell a partner about your sexual fantasies, but we haven’t discussed what to do when you’re the person considering playing out someone else’s fantasy. We also haven’t discussed what to do when you think you might be into something, but you’re not totally sure whether you should play it out IRL or leave it in the fantasy realm.
So, today we’re going to give you a few exercises that we hope can guide your thought process, help you to understand why a particular fantasy might appeal to you, and aid you in trying it for the first time.
Try one or a couple of these, with a partner or solo—they’re here to inspire you and to help you understand yourself and your fantasies more deeply!
1. Think about it—like, really think about it.
We know this might sound obvious, because if you’ve been mulling over a sexual fantasy you’ve likely already thought about it a lot. But sometimes it can help to consider exactly what parts of it appeal to you: for example, if you find yourself fantasising about being spanked, does the appeal lie in the sensation of spanking? Or is it in the feeling of doing something ‘taboo’? Or the thought of your partner taking on a more dominant role? Or maybe there’s just something exciting about the thought of an act that blends pain with pleasure. ‘Pulling apart’ a fantasy in this way can help you to understand what makes you tick, and to focus on the things that you find really erotic!
2. Experiment solo.
This might not work with all fantasies, but we think it’s worth trying if possible. If there’s something you want to explore a little bit but you’re not quite ready to involve a partner, experiment with it solo as much as you can. Say you quite like the idea of being tied up—next time you’re engaging in some self-pleasure, see how it feels to have one wrist restrained, or both ankles. (Always play safely! Never put a restraint or tie around your neck, and make sure you can always untie yourself quickly and easily.) If it excites you, it might be something you can incorporate into your regular ‘routine’ or eventually explore with a partner. On the other hand, if it doesn’t thrill you the way you thought it would, it could be worth exploring at a different time—or you might realise that it’s something you prefer to explore in your imagination.
3. Explore some erotica.
If you’ve never explored erotica that focuses on that thing you like, now might be the perfect time! We’ve discussed how to find ethical porn here before, but if you’re not a porn person you might prefer some literotica or even sexy audiobooks. If none of this appeals to you, create your own! Grab a journal or your Notes app, and write down whatever comes to mind when you think about your fantasy. It can be exquisitely-detailed prose, a poem, a funny one-liner, or even just dot-point list. If you want, you can share it with a (consenting!) partner or close friend afterwards, or you can keep it all for yourself.
4. Discuss it with a partner.
As we mentioned above, we have spoken here before about how to talk to a partner about your sexual fantasies. This has been in the context of asking them to participate in it with you, although we also think it can be nice to talk about your fantasies with your partner without the expectation that they’ll engage in it. Opening up to your partner about something you’ve been fantasising about can help you articulate what you like about it, and encourage you to be open about your desires. It can also give your partner a chance to learn more about you! If such a conversation leads to you exploring the fantasy with them, great—but we think it can be fulfilling enough just to have the conversation.
