BDSM can be fun, sexy, and exciting—but there are a lot of misconceptions around it!
We’re going to explore five of the most common BDSM myths and find out what’s true and what’s not.
***
MYTH: BDSM is always hardcore, rough play.
REALITY: It can be, but not always
It’s a commonly-held belief that BDSM is all about hard spanking, hair-pulling, and rough play. Those acts definitely exist within the BDSM scene, and they’re things that some people really enjoy. However that’s definitely not what BDSM is all about!
For some people, BDSM can be as ‘light’ as restraining their partner with a silk scarf and kissing their body, or as ‘gentle’ as giving their partner some soft spanks every now and again. If you’re not into heavier impact play, don’t worry—that’s only a very small part of what BDSM is all about.
MYTH: BDSM has to be a 24/7 lifestyle.
REALITY: Definitely not the case.
This is a myth that we think has been perpetuated by the media: the belief that if you’re into BDSM, you must always be submissive or dominant towards your partner, and you must always be in the mood for some kinky play. But this just isn’t true! While some people who are into BDSM choose to allow the dynamics into their lives outside the bedroom, we would say that this isn’t super common and that most people who enjoy BDSM live totally ‘regular’ lives otherwise.
If you’re curious about BDSM, you can make the choice to incorporate it into your life as much or as little as you want. You might be a total Type A who loves to be in charge of things at work, and submissive in the bedroom—or you might be chill and passive with your friend group, but dominant and powerful when you’re exploring BDSM. It’s completely up to you when, and how, you incorporate it into your life.
MYTH: In BDSM, the man is always dominant and the woman is always submissive.
REALITY: Not always!
Unfortunately, some pop culture depictions of BDSM give off the idea that it’s a world in which a woman must always be submissive to a dominant man—think Fifty Shades of Grey or even Secretary—but that isn’t always the case. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, it doesn’t have to be the norm! It’s definitely possible for a woman to be dominant and a man to be submissive, or for two people to enjoy switching roles depending on how they feel in the moment. People of all genders explore BDSM and enjoy experimenting with different roles, and we encourage you to explore and find the role that feels right to you.
MYTH: People who are submissive in BDSM dynamics have no power.
REALITY: Absolutely false.
There’s a really pervasive myth that people who are submissive have no power in BDSM dynamics, and that they’ve given up their right to say no. This is completely untrue, and if anyone makes you feel as though this should be the case or as though you’re not a ‘real submissive’ unless your partner calls the shots, we would warn you against getting too close to them.
Someone who is submissive in a BDSM dynamic might allow their partner to ‘be the boss’ or call the shots at certain times, but the key term here is allow: their partner is only taking on a dominant role because they’re allowing them to. If a submissive person is being spanked or restrained or anything else by their dominant partner, it’s because they’re allowing them to do it. A submissive person still has a say in what goes on, and absolutely retains the right to withdraw consent at any time. This myth is really pervasive and harmful, so we think it’s super important to address.
MYTH: To explore BDSM, you need a lot of expensive gear.
REALITY: You can start with what you have at home!
We’ve all probably seen images of BDSM rooms in films or on TV: they’re often kitted out with heaps of expensive-looking gear, from whips and paddles to restraints and outfits. We understand how off-putting it can feel to imagine that you have to go out and buy all of that just to have a go at BDSM, but fortunately this isn’t the case!
You can explore BDSM using things you have at home. Instead of handcuffs or rope restraints, use a scarf or a necktie. Instead of using a paddle for spanking, use your hand! And in place of a special outfit, just wear something that makes you feel sexy and empowered. If you decide you really enjoy elements of BDSM and would like to invest some money in some special items, you can treat yourself with a kit like our Kink Kit!
